


control me I don't know how

by ExhaustedCommonSense



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Bandom Bingo 2017, Breathplay, Dom/sub, Frottage, M/M, No Incest, Panic Attacks, authors first attempt at writing smut, loss of control prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-02-04 18:21:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12776742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExhaustedCommonSense/pseuds/ExhaustedCommonSense
Summary: In which Gerard is a complete disaster, Mikey is a long-suffering brother, and Frank is oblivious until he isn't.





	1. Chapter 1

The first time was an accident.

They were halfway to the next venue and Gerard had been pacing for the past five minutes, slowly winding everyone else in the room up. Mikey was focusing on his comic, Ray was strumming some new tune on the spare guitar, and Frank was attempting to have a nap, but was constantly interrupted as Gerard walked past his chair, brushing against it on every lap.

For his part, Gerard was getting more and more lost inside his own head. He didn’t even realize he was pacing, fully focused on the endless thoughts swirling around behind his eyes. He knew it was getting bad, but it was so much harder to quiet his head sober than it had been drunk.

“Gerard!” Frank finally snapped, sitting up and glaring at him. “Sit the fuck down!”

Startled, Gerard sat down right where he’d been standing, his body obeying before he even realized what he was doing, mind going blessedly blank. Frank blinked at him, a little surprised that he’d sat down on the floor, and then snorted. He dismissed the strange reaction as a joke and laid back down.

Mikey looked up from his comic and frowned at him but stayed quiet and quickly went back to reading when Gerard didn’t move or say anything. Internally, Gerard was having a silent meltdown over what had happened.

It was a small thing that no one else would pay any attention to, but for Gerard it was a panic inducing action. His body had reacted without thought to Frank’s tone of voice the same way it used to with his drunk hook-ups. He wasn’t an idiot, Gerard knew that subbing for someone was the only way to quieten his mind without resorting to drugs or alcohol, but he’d only ever sought out someone to dom him when drunk or high. He needed that artificial bravery to even attempt it, especially as the band got bigger and the chance of other people finding out got bigger.

Worse, his reaction to Frank hadn’t even been sexual, it had just been an instinctual need to obey and please. Even Gerard had no idea how long he would have sat there if he hadn’t been interrupted; there was a high chance he would have attempted to stay there until Frank himself told him to move in the hopes of receiving a small word of praise.

However, he was only there for about ten minutes when Bob stumbled out of the bunks and promptly tripped over him.

“What the fuck are you doing sitting on the fucking floor?” Bob growled. Contrary to his angry tone, the kick he aimed at Gerard’s leg felt more like a nudge. He was also kind enough to reach down and pull him off of the floor, catching Gerard when he swayed and winced with pins and needles.

“Frank told me to sit down,” Gerard informed him easily, twisting his face into a smirk to play it off as a joke.

“I just wanted you to stop pacing,” Frank groaned from under his pillow. “You kept knocking my chair and I couldn’t sleep.”

“Why didn’t you try sleep in your bunk?” Ray asked, putting the guitar down and stretching. He ducked quickly to avoid being hit with Frank’s pillow before getting up and heading to the kitchen area, dropping the pillow back onto Frank’s head as he passed.

Gerard laughed, staggering over to Frank’s chair and sitting down on him. Frank grunted and squirmed around until they were both squashed comfortably in the chair, the pillow falling on the floor in their struggle. Relaxing into the physical contact, Gerard sighed as his thoughts began to swirl around his head again; the relief had been nice while it lasted.

***

The second time was also an accident.

He was sitting next to Frank with a drawing pad balanced on his knee. The idea had been that if he could draw what was going on inside his head, then he might be able to let some of it go. Unfortunately, he hadn’t managed to draw a single line and he was getting more and more frustrated. Unconsciously, he was drumming the fingers of his left hand against the pad at a constant rhythm.

Suddenly, Frank’s hand shot out and grabbed Gerard’s wrist in a bruising grip, halting the constant drumming. Startled, Gerard looked over, but Frank hadn’t even glanced up from his book. He flexed his hand slightly to see if Frank was going to let go and was rewarded for his attempt as Frank tightened his grip.

Relaxing into the hold, Gerard finally began to draw as the pinch of pain coming from his wrist calmed his thoughts and allowed him to concentrate on one after the other before dismissing them. They sat like that for nearly half an hour before Frank’s phone chirped from the direction on the bunks and he got up to check it, letting go of Gerard’s wrist and absently flexing his fingers out.

Gerard managed to keep concentrating on his drawings, determined to clear away as many thoughts as possible while he could. Frank left shortly after, mentioning something about going to find something to eat and leaving the bus. Once he’d gone, Gerard glanced down at his arm and admired the circle of red marks around his wrist; he knew they would be a dark blue by that night as they were already changing colour.

The marks gave him an idea that was probably some form of insanity, but he was beginning to get desperate. Frank had managed twice now to help him think clearly without even realizing what he was doing. If Gerard annoyed him whenever his brain became too much for him, he might be able to help again.

Gerard reasoned that it wasn’t taking advantage, because it didn’t need to be sexual in order to calm him down. What Frank was doing wasn’t even enough to get him into sub-space, but it was enough to help. He knew that he should either find someone who was willing to help him fully, or tell Frank the truth, but he was worried that if Frank knew what he was doing then he’d change how he acted around him.

In the end, he grabbed a sweat-band to cover the bruises, knowing that Frank would make a fuss if he realized how hard he’d held him, and decided that he’d only bother Frank if he was really desperate and couldn’t handle it by himself.

***

The third time was not an accident, but it was also when everything went wrong.

It had been three long hard weeks since the last time Gerard had had any relief from his mind and he was slowly going insane. He would have tried to last longer, but he had caught himself staring at the bottles of beer in a shop and realized that he needed to do something before he relapsed.

For the first time, he sought Frank out where he was napping on the couch and sat next to him. Unable to sit still, he immediately began to jiggle his leg, causing the couch to shake and wake Frank up from his doze.

“Christ,” Frank groaned, kicking Gerard in the leg. “Can’t you ever just sit still?”

“Sorry,” Gerard blinked at him, making a concentrated effort to stop moving. It was harder than the time Frank had told him to sit as it had been phrased as a question rather than an order. He managed to sit quietly for five minutes before his leg began to shake again, his mind slowing down but still so overwhelming.

Frank sighed and rolled off of the couch, wordlessly walking over to the bunks and crawling onto his bed. Gerard watched him go and froze, his thoughts speeding up as panic began to rise up.

_No no no. I’m sorry. I can sit still. I’ll be good. Please come back. Please please please. Please don’t leave. No._

He stayed frozen in place, watching the bus door as his mind rebelled against him.

_Of course Frank can’t help you. Why would he want to? You can’t even sit still when he asks you to. Useless._

He became aware of his breathing in the quiet room and realized he was about to have a panic attack, but it was too late to be able to do anything about it. He couldn’t control his own brain, he had no chance of controlling his breathing.

“Fuck,” someone swore, crouching down to look at him. “Gerard! Gee, I need you to breathe.”

Someone else moved him off of the couch and sat behind him, telling him to breathe with them. His eyes were wide open, but he couldn’t register anything, his chest getting tighter and tighter.

He opened his mouth and a sob came out, his chest heaving as his panic subsided enough to let him breathe. He attempted to obey the voice and match his breathing to the person behind him, but he couldn’t stop crying long enough to get enough air. Every breath out was a sob and every breath in didn’t feel like enough.

The person in front of him swore again and pulled him into a hug, bony knees hitting him in the chest as he deflated against them. The only noise in the room was his gasping breathing and crying; some part of him was embarrassed to be found like that, but it was distant and easy to ignore in favour of concentrating on breathing.

Eventually, he registered that he was hugging Mikey and that Ray was behind him, rubbing a hand over his back. He felt drained and exhausted, everything was heavy, but he managed to stop crying and calm his breathing down. Mikey pulled away slightly to see his face, leaning him against Ray who shifted slightly and caught him.

Mikey didn’t say anything, just watched him with a worried look in his eyes. Gerard wanted to reassure him, but even the thought of talking was exhausting. It was taking all of his effort and strength to just remain awake.

“What happened?” Ray asked quietly. Gerard remained quiet, but the way Mikey turned to look behind Ray told him that they weren’t asking him.

“I don’t know,” Frank’s voice answered, sounding worried. “He was fine when I went to go lay down.”

Mikey frowned but nodded. “Help me get him to his bunk?”

Ray supported him up, keeping him on his feet while Gerard discovered that his legs had been replaced with jelly. They lead him over to the bunks and placed him onto his bed, removing his shoes and belt in a practised move that spoke of countless other times.

He forced his hand to grab at Mikey when they were done. Mikey’s face made a complicated expression that he was too tired to decipher, but he slipped into the bunk after him and hugged him. Finally, Gerard let his eyes slide shut, relaxing into the hold as the last of his energy drained out of him.

***

He woke up alone and overheated.

The last thing he wanted to do was get up. He knew they’d all be waiting for him and he didn’t want to have to answer their questions. He didn’t know what to tell them. He couldn’t tell them that he’d been using Frank to quieted his thought and it had backfired when Frank had left and caused him to go into sub-drop alone.

For a start, he didn’t want Frank to feel guilty about leaving him alone since he had no way of knowing that that would have happened. However, Gerard knew he couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t use Frank like that again. He would have to either find an official dom, or find a different way to cope.

Taking a deep breath and wincing at the left-over pain from his panic attack, Gerard slowly crawled out of the bunk and stumbled into the kitchen area. He headed straight for the coffee machine without looking to see who was there; he couldn’t deal with anyone before his coffee.

Cup in hand, he sat down at the table and finally looked up. He was both relieved and worried to see that Mikey was the only one there. He was glad that he wasn’t going to be interrogated by the whole band, but he also knew that Mikey was the only one who might get the truth out of him.

Mikey watched him silently, his own cup of coffee held in one hand and his phone in the other. Gerard broke the eye contact, ducking his head and taking a gulp of his coffee to cover the sound of Mikey’s sigh.

“We have to talk sometime,” he informed him, finishing his coffee and shoving his phone into his jeans.

Gerard kept his head down, taking another fortifying gulp. “I’m fine.”

They both winced at how rough his voice sounded and Mikey gave him a look that summed up what he thought about his lie. Gerard gave a sigh of his own and got up to top his cup up before carrying it over to the couch and curling up in one of the corners.

Mikey followed, sitting next to him and turning so that he was facing him. The rest of the bus was silent and Gerard spared a moment to wonder where the others had been sent to. However, he knew that asking where they’d gone wouldn’t get him anywhere.

“I’m sorry,” Gerard broke the stand-off. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“You had a panic attack,” Mikey’s voice was flat. “You going to tell me why?”

“It was nothing,” Gerard evaded, flinching at the glare that that statement got him. “I just had too many thoughts.”

Mikey’s face did a complicated thing again, but this time Gerard managed to catch realization and a bit of surprise. He sighed and leant back against his corner of the couch, still looking at Gerard. Gerard looked back, mildly curious as to what conclusion Mikey had come to from that one sentence.

“I didn’t realize you still needed help,” Mikey said eventually.

Gerard froze, his body tensing as he worked through all of the possible meanings he could mean by that. “Help?”

“Shit, Gerard,” Mikey rolled his eyes, leaning forward to take the coffee out of Gerard’s grasp and take a drink. “Who do you think took care of you after those arsehole doms had put you under?” He snorted and put the mug down on the table slightly harder than necessary. “You think any of them cared about the aftercare part?”

Gerard flinched and looked down at his empty hands; the bruises from Frank had completely faded. “I’m sorry, Mikes.”

“I’m not mad,” Mikey nudged him with his foot until he looked up. “I just thought it was something you did drunk. I didn’t realize it was something you still needed now.”

“It was part of the reason I drank,” Gerard confessed quietly, focusing his eyes on Mikey’s collarbone to avoid watching his expression. “I just wanted my brain to shut down.”

“You ready to tell me what happened yesterday now?” Mikey questioned. “Because I’ve seen you in sub-drop before. I just don’t know how you got there without a dom.”

Gerard blushed. “I may have been using Frank as my dom.”

Mikey went completely still and then when he spoke his voice was filled with anger. “What. The. Hell. He left you alone after.”

“No!” Gerard exclaimed quickly, realizing Mikey had come to the wrong conclusion. He glanced up to look him in the eye so that he would believe him. “He doesn’t know. I’ve just been…treating his words like orders…to clear my mind a bit.”

“He doesn’t know he’s been domming you,” Mikey repeated incredulously before kicking him hard in the leg and ignoring his swearing. “You’re a complete idiot! You’re always going on and on about consent, but it doesn’t count when it’s you? If he doesn’t know then he won’t know when to stop!”

“It’s not that bad,” Gerard protested, a little stung even though he’d already decided it was a stupid idea.

“You basically let someone dom you without a safe-word,” Mikey kicked him again when he went to say something. “No wonder you went into sub-drop, you couldn’t safe-word out!”

“I know!” Gerard shouted, curling his knees up to his chest defensively. “I know, okay. But I was desperate and it worked before.”

Mikey sighed, the anger draining out of him. “Okay. But never again, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Gerard agreed sadly. “You’re not going to tell him, right?”

“I won’t tell him,” Mikey frowned. “But if he was that helpful without even knowing, he might be able to really help if he knew.”

“I’m fine,” Gerard insisted. “I can manage on my own.”

Mikey snorted. “Yeah. ‘Cause that worked so well for you before.”

“Well, what do you suggest then?” Gerard asked scathingly, placing his feet back on the ground and grabbing is mug, standing up to go refill it.

“Come to me,” Gerard startled at the words, his coffee spilling over the counter and burning his hand. Mikey ignored his swearing and wide-eyed look. “I’m serious. At least I’ll be able to keep you from sub-dropping.”

Um,” Gerard stood frozen in the puddle of coffee for a moment, a blush steadily working its way up his neck. “Mikes.”

“Not the sexual stuff,” Mikey rolled his eyes, a blush of his own on his cheeks. “Just the sort of things you were doing with poor oblivious Frank.”

Gerard turned away to grab some tissues and began to mop up his spill, his mind working furiously. He didn’t want to put that sort of burden on his little brother, but he said he’d already had to deal with part of it before, and Gerard knew that realistically he would either end up in sub-drop again, or he would relapse if left to deal with it on his own. Either option would be worse for Mikey than just accepting his offer.

“Gee,” Gerard turned to see Mikey was stood behind him, looking concerned as coffee dripped from the counter onto his jeans.

“Okay,” Gerard sighed, his body sagging. Even he couldn’t have said whether he was feeling relieved or disappointed with himself. “Okay, I’ll come to you if it gets bad again.”

“Okay,” Mikey repeated, giving him a small smile. “Let’s do it right though, safe-word?”

“We could use the traffic light system?” Gerard suggested shakily, scrubbing a hand through his hair and not noticing that he’d had coffee on his hand that was now in his hair.

“Red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for go,” Mikey checked, waiting until Gerard nodded. “That’s fine.”

“For you too,” Gerard blurted out. “You have to use them too. If you feel uncomfortable.”

“I will,” Mikey promised solemnly.

***

Gerard never asked where the rest of the band had been sent to while they had their chat, and no one ever brought it up. Everyone seemed to be of the agreement that if they didn’t mention it then it never happened. They trusted that Mikey would have either solved whatever the problem was or he would have asked for help.

It was only two weeks later when Gerard woke up feeling like he was drowning in his own mind. He was nervous and annoyed at himself for not being able to last longer, but he still got out of his bunk to find Mikey. He had promised that he would, and he had already broken too many promises.

Thankfully, it didn’t take long to find Mikey by the merch table and he must have been able to see something on his face, because Mikey immediately broke off his conversation and dragged him back to the bus.

“You okay?” He questioned once he’d shut the door behind them, checking the bunk area to see if they were alone. “Is it bad today?”

Gerard nodded shakily, deciding not to mention that he’d nearly chickened out a few times and that a couple of those times could have ended with him and a pack of beers. He figured it would only hurt him and it didn’t matter since he didn’t do it. He kept his promise and came to Mikey instead.

“Okay,” Mikey blew out a breath. For the first time since convincing Gerard to come to him, he looked unsure. “Okay, what do you need?”

“A drink,” he said immediately, wincing at the look on Mikey’s face. “Shit, sorry. I just, I don’t, I can’t.”

Gerard cut himself off, reaching up to tug at his own hair in frustration. This was the bit that always annoyed him; when he couldn’t say what he needed. Unbidden, tears came to his eyes as he got angrier at himself. It was infuriating not being able to control his own mind or feelings.

“Gerard,” Mikey called him, forcing his attention towards him. Mikey backed away until he found the chair, not taking his eyes off of Gerard as he sat down and then placed a pillow at his feet. “Come here.”

Gerard moved forward until he was stood just in front of his chair, staring at Mikey hopefully. The uncertainty was completely gone from his eyes as he reached forward and grabbed a wrist in each hand before ordering him to kneel down on the pillow.

Mind going blissfully blank, Gerard fell to his knees on the pillow. He flexed his hands in Mikey’s grip until he tightened his hold, forcing him to hold hard enough to bruise. Taking a shaky breath, Gerard sat down on his feet on leant forward so that his forehead was on Mikey’s bony knee, the grip on his wrists the only thing keeping him anchored as he drifted out of his mind.

He didn’t know how long he was under before Mikey called him back to the surface, keeping a hold of his wrists, but loosening his grip. Keeping up a constant stream of words, Mikey slowly helped him come out of his sub-space daze.

“Good,” Mikey murmured, using his hold on his wrists to tug him into the chair with him. “You did really good. How do you feel?”

“Tired,” Gerard grunted, relaxing into the chair with him and curling up around him. “But good. Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Mikey finally let go of his wrists. “I’m just glad you came to me. And we caught it early enough that this helped.”

Gerard nodded sleepily, shifting as Mikey reached for the computer that had been left next to the chair. When the rest of the band got back to the bus, the brothers were still curled up in the chair, dozing while The Wolf Man played on the screen.

***

They got into a routine. Every two weeks, they would find the time to go off alone and quieten Gerard’s mind. Frank started referring to it as their brother-bonding time, but whatever the band thought of it, they never tried to interrupt.


	2. Chapter 2

“Gerard,” Mikey called, causing Gerard to look up from where he was sat next to Frank. He glanced around and winced when he saw the frown on Frank’s face, realizing that he’d been tapping his pen against his pad in an annoying rhythm and that Frank looked seconds away from hitting him.

With a sigh, Gerard got up and moved to sit on the floor by Mikey’s feet, leaning against his legs and opening his pad again. They’d both agreed that Gerard should avoid putting Frank into a position where he might subconsciously dom him again as they weren’t sure if Frank would still be able to dom Gerard now that Mikey was helping him.

Mikey shifted in his seat so that his knee was pressing against Gerard’s spine; it was just the right shade of uncomfortable to quieten his head without making him any less aware of what was going on. Uncapping his pen, Gerard glanced up and noticed that Frank was still frowning at him, but that he looked more puzzled than annoyed.

Uncomfortable, Gerard ducked his head back down, ignoring the blush that was sure to be working its way up his neck. Instead, he attempted to sketch some new ideas, becoming frustrated when he kept messing up and was unable to ignore the eyes watching him.

Scowling, he looked up and caught Frank’s eye, glaring at him before standing up again and going into his bunk to try get some peace. The down side of leaving the room, he realized once he was in his bunk, was that he no longer had Mikey to help clear his head.

Annoyance growing, Gerard shoved his pad and pen to the bottom of his bunk and laid down, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t know how long he’d been there, slowly getting more and more lost in his mind, before Ray poked his head in to say that they were going out for something to eat.

“I’ll stay here,” Gerard waved a hand. He didn’t feel like being around people; his skin felt too small and he had the uncomfortable feeling that he would end up snapping at someone if he went out. “I might have a nap.” Ray nodded; he seemed a little unsure, but he left Gerard alone in his bunk once more and a few minutes later he heard them all leave the bus.

_Well done, you’ve driven them off again._

“Fuck,” he muttered, climbing down from his bunk and stumbling towards the front. He should probably have sent Mikey a message to ask him to come back, but he hated how much he had to depend on his little brother already. He was the eldest; he was supposed to be able to look after himself and Mikey, not the other way around.

Once he’d reached the kitchen, he poured himself a mug of coffee, mentally thanking whoever had switched it on before leaving so he didn’t have to wait for it to brew. Taking a sip and ignoring the burning of his tongue, Gerard began idly opening cupboards; he knew he should have something other than coffee, but the thought of food was beginning to make him feel queasy.

“Not hungry?” A voice from the seating area asked, causing Gerard to spin around, his coffee sloshing over the edge of the mug.

“Motherfucker!” Gerard swore, hitting the back of his head on the still open cupboard and flapping his hand to dislodge the hot coffee. “I thought you went out to eat!”

Frank smirked and gave a careless shrug, looking amused by the startled reaction he’d provoked. “The others did but I wasn’t in the mood.”

“Of course,” Gerard groaned, drinking the last of the coffee that had survived from his mug. Out of everyone who could have decided to stay behind, of course it would be Frank; the one guy he needed to avoid.

Frank frowned at him, his expression mirroring the one from earlier. “Have I done something? ‘Coz I’m not an idiot, you’ve been avoiding me.”

“I’m not avoiding you,” Gerard denied. He leant back against the counter and placed his empty coffee mug on the side, sparing a second to switch the coffee machine back on. It wasn’t a total lie; he was avoiding being alone with him and being too close to him, but it wasn’t like he was leaving the room when Frank was there or refusing to talk to him.

“Bullshit,” Frank stood up, his frown taking on an angrier look instead of confused. “You’ve been acting strangely for weeks! Ever since you had that panic attack!” He broke off, his frown softening as he remembered.

Gerard flinched; he’d been hoping that Frank wouldn’t realize that he’d started behaving differently after his panic attack. He’d been relying on Mikey to act as a buffer and deflect any difficult questions, but it seemed Frank had anticipated that and confronted him once he knew they wouldn’t be interrupted.

“Was it me?” He questioned, upset by the thought but determined to know the truth. “Did I do something that caused it?”

“No!” Gerard was quick to cut him off. “It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t know.” He froze and quickly tried to backtrack. “You didn’t do anything.”

“What didn’t I know?” Frank demanded, pouncing on the little bit that he’d let slip. “If I didn’t know something and it led to you having a panic attack then clearly I did something.”

Feeling trapped and harassed, Gerard reached breaking point and snapped before he could think better of it. “You left me alone!”

Immediately, he regretted opening his mouth; his thoughts were swirling angrily around his head and his chest felt tight. Subconsciously, he wrapped his hands around his chest. He was shaking and his breath began to speed up, but he couldn’t focus on stopping any of it because of the thoughts crowding his mind.

“Shit,” Frank swore, coming closer and reaching out. “Sit down. C’mon Gee, I need you to calm down.”

His vision was going cloudy, but he could still hear Frank talking and his body automatically reacted to his order. Even after Mikey helping him, it seemed that he still reacted more strongly to Frank. There was always a feeling of hesitation when Mikey dommed him; a sense that neither of them were sure about what they were doing.

“Okay,” Frank was still talking, though his voice had a confused layer to it now. He knelt down in front of him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Good, now I need you to calm down. Breathe for me Gee.”

“Sorry,” Gerard managed to gasp out, his breathing calming down but tears beginning to pool in his eyes. A mixture of humiliation and frustration welled up and caused tears to escape his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Frank sighed, rubbing a hand up his back soothingly. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault, I shouldn’t have pushed so hard.”

Gerard shakily wiped at his eyes and leaned towards him until he had his head resting on Frank’s shoulder. Frank shifted around to get comfortable and wrapped an arm around him to hold him in place.

“Well, I suppose that answers my question,” Frank sighed. “You had a panic attack, started avoiding me and you were fine. And then I force you to talk to me and you have another.”

“It’s not your fault,” Gerard reassured him, sitting up and leaning against the counter so that they were face to face. “It’s my crappy brain.”

“If I ask you to explain what you meant, will you panic again?” He asked carefully. Gerard tensed, but Frank continued before he could stammer out an excuse. “You said I left you alone.”

Realizing that he wasn’t going to get out of the conversation, Gerard shifted uncomfortably; it wasn’t really an explanation he wanted to give, but he knew that it was something they needed to talk about. However, he still couldn’t meet Frank’s eyes, looking at his scorpion neck tattoo instead.

“I had this…thing I would do when drunk,” Gerard paused, trying to find the words that he needed and sincerely wishing he had a beer – or at least another cup of coffee. “Well, actually, it was more something I would have to get drunk to do.”

He stopped again because Frank had stood up, but he only moved around to the counter and grabbed two cups that he quickly filled with coffee. Gesturing at Gerard to continue, he slid down the counter so that they were sat side by side. He felt touched by the fact that Frank clearly knew him well enough to know that he was distressed by the conversation and wouldn’t want to look at him.

“My mind gets too loud,” Gerard finally said, taking a long drink of his coffee. “I thought at first that alcohol would help, but it never did.”

“Okay,” Frank nodded. Gerard snuck a quick glance at him and noticed that he looked confused. “You know you can talk to me about anything, and I’m glad you’re opening up to me and all, but I don’t understand how this has to do with us.”

“I used you as a dom,” he blurted out, a blush spreading up his neck and up his face in humiliation before he began to speak quicker in an attempt to finish the conversation as soon as possible. “But you didn’t know and you left me alone and I sub-dropped and it wasn’t your fault but Mikey said I should avoid doing it again and I keep reacting as if you’re my dom so I’ve been avoiding you.”

There was a moment of silence as Frank digested this sudden influx of information and Gerard began to wish he could throw himself out of the bus in mortification. Gulping down his coffee simply as something to occupy himself, Gerard didn’t dare look at Frank.

“Well,” Frank finally broke the silence. “I suppose that explains why you sat next to the counter when I told you to sit down. I actually meant on the couch.”

“I’m sorry,” Gerard mumbled, reaching up to balance his cup on top of the counter. “It was an accident at first, but it helped and I thought that it could help again.”

“Mikey knows?” Frank questioned. He didn’t sound angry, so Gerard took a chance and turned to face him. Frank was sitting with his side brushing the counter so that he could watch Gerard; he couldn’t figure out the look on his face, but he wasn’t angry.

“Yeah,” Gerard nodded, shifting so that he was mirroring Frank’s position. “He confronted me about it after my panic-attack. Apparently, he was the one who stopped me dropping when I was drunk.”

“So, it’s not a sex-thing?” Frank confirmed, leaning over to place his cup with Gerard’s.

His blush came back with a vengeance at Frank’s assumption. “No, it’s a sex-thing, just not with Mikey.” He shrugged awkwardly and waved his hands in an attempt to explain properly. “It was always a sex-thing when I was drunk, and the rare times when sober. It’s never about sex with Mikey,” Gerard pulled a face at the thought.

“What about with me?” Frank looked honestly curious, but there was a hint of something Gerard was sure was lust in his eyes. “I obviously didn’t know I was…domming?...you, but you still reacted.”

“Ah,” Gerard moved so that his knees were pulled up to his chest. “It was different. You didn’t know, so it would have felt creepy to get off on it.”

Frank nodded, inching closer until he was in front of Gerard, trapping him against the counter. “What if I did it now? Would it be a sex-thing?”

“If-if we both agreed it wou-would be,” Gerard stammered, squeaking when Frank placed his hands on his knees and pushed them down so that his legs were bracketing Frank. “We’d need safe-safe words.”

Frank smirked, squeezing his knees before letting go and sitting back a little. “What do you use for a safe word?” Despite the tension and electricity in the air, his question was completely serious and Gerard knew he wasn’t taking anything he said for granted.

“I use traffic lights,” Gerard answered straight away. “Red for stop, yellow for caution, green for go.”

Nodding, Frank moved forward again, kissing him until he was gasping and trying to get closer. “We should have a proper conversation before we get to that stage. Limits, stuff you want, things like that.” He gave him another quick kiss that was almost chaste before standing up.

Gerard whined, slamming the back of his head against the counter in frustration. Unfortunately, he knew that Frank was right; he’d spent too long being reckless and Mikey was always the one picking up the pieces. He couldn’t afford to not be careful; especially when it was Frank.

“Do you want to start with do’s or don’t’s?” Frank asked once Gerard had had enough time to calm down. He was sat on the couch that he’d started on, but Gerard guessed that the conversation would probably go better if he stayed sat by the counter so that they were separated.

“I don’t like the shame thing,” he wrinkled his nose. “Anything that makes me feel bad about myself is a no. I don’t really know about anything else, I’m willing to try everything but I was usually drunk, so I don’t know my other limits.”

“No humiliation kink,” Frank pretended to tick something on his hand and smiled. “What about the fun stuff?”

“Anything that leaves a mark,” Gerard blurted out immediately, flushing at the look that that received. “You grabbed my wrist once and the bruises lasted weeks.”

“Yes to bruising then,” Frank hesitated, looking unsure for the first time since they’d begun. “What about anything that draws blood, like cuts?”

“I’ve never done them,” Gerard tried to think about it. “I was always worried about leaving a scar that could be misunderstood. Mikey would have freaked out.”

“I don’t know if I could do that,” Frank admitted.

“The safe word is for you too,” Gerard told him, unsure if it was something he would have already known. He was taking everything so naturally that Gerard couldn’t tell if he was the first person he’d dommed or not. “You have to use it if you ever feel uncomfortable. You have limits too.”

“Okay,” Frank nodded. “So, we’ll put cutting down as my limit for now. Let’s continue with your do’s.”

“Biting, bruising, kneeling, being held down,” Gerard listed, unable to tell if he was blushing from embarrassment or by the thought that Frank might one day do some of the things he was saying. “Anything that makes me feel dominated…protected in a way.”

“From what I know, isn’t there usually some form of pain?” Frank asked. “I know that the bruising and biting will have some pain with it, but is that enough?”

Gerard coughed, quickly realizing that it was much easier to talk about sex when it wasn’t an immediate thing. He was usually so much more confident about sex and he had no end of rants about consent and knowing boundaries, but it was harder than he’d hoped it would be.

“I like pain,” he admitted, staring at Frank’s scorpion tattoo so that he didn’t have to look him in the eyes. “Have we covered everything?” He asked, desperate to move on from the awkward conversation, even if it was important.

Frank chuckled, deciding to take pity on him. “Come here,” he beckoned, pointing to the space in front of where he was sat.

Gerard grinned, scrambling forward until he was knelt in front of him, automatically holding his hands up for easy access to his wrists. Frank smiled back at him, reaching out and circling his wrists so that he had one in each hand.

His hold grew tighter as he leant forward and kissed him again. Gerard’s mind went blissfully blank even as he opened his mouth to encourage him. Frank moved away after a minute, letting them both gasp in a breath.

“Colour?” He checked, sliding off of the couch so that he was knelt on the floor with him, still holding his wrists in a tight grip.

“Green,” Gerard attempted to kiss him, whimpering when Frank moved out of the way.

“Tell me if that changes,” he ordered, waiting until Gerard nodded before he kissed him again. In a quick move, Frank pushed him so that he hit the floor, wrists on either side of his head and Frank pressed on top of him.

“Fuck,” he hissed, trying to buck up and groaning when Frank shifted his legs to pin him more firmly. “Tease.”

Tightening his grip to the point that Gerard was sure he would have bruises for months, Frank finally moved. He pinned his wrists further up so that they were above his head and he could hold them while sitting up. Briefly, Gerard attempted to move his hands, it was more to see if he could then because he actually wanted to move them, but Frank kept them secure with only a little effort.

“Next time,” Frank grinded down while talking. “I’ll tie you up so you can struggle all you want.”

Gerard moaned, thrusting upwards against him. Everything began to take on the fuzzy tint that he always associated with sub space. He desperately wanted more, but was also more than happy to take anything Frank was willing to give.

“Or maybe I’ll just tell you not to move,” Frank mused with another wiggle. “You follow orders so well.”

It didn’t take much longer after that, the tension had been building for too long, and just before he could say anything, Frank bent down and bit his shoulder through his t-shirt. He came with a shout as his vision whited out and he sunk completely into sub space.

When he came back to himself, Frank was murmuring compliments and praises to him while soothing some sort of cream on his wrists. He felt sleepy and content, even though he was sticky and wet when he tried to move.

His thoughts must have shown on his face because Frank grinned and kissed him before sitting up slightly. “Hey, sorry about that, I didn’t want to undress you in the middle of the bus.”

Gerard made a small noise of complaint and tried to cuddle closer, groaning a little louder when Frank encouraged him to stand up. Together, they managed to stumble to the bunks with only a few extra bruises.

Between Gerard’s sub space lethargy and Frank’s height, it was a miracle that they succeeded, but they ended up squashed into Frank’s bunk and somewhere along the way they’d ditched their jeans. Frank stripped off his t-shirt too before crowding Gerard up against the wall, letting Gerard relax against him as his brain shut off completely for the first time in months.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning it made a nice change for Gerard to wake up not alone. Frank was awake and reading one of his tattered books that must have been in his bunk. Distantly, he could hear the sounds of the others up and moving in the front of the bus and he spared a second to be embarrassed about the clothing that they’d left trailing towards the bunks.

“Hey sleepyhead,” Frank murmured, putting his book down and turning to face him. “Are you ready to get up? I think your brother’s angry at us.”

A loud clatter followed by Ray and Bob swearing proved his point. Gerard frowned and turned over so that his face was buried in Frank’s chest, letting out a small groan of protest. He wasn’t sure why Mikey was annoyed at them, but he had a suspicion that it was going to be about what they did last night.

“Sorry,” Frank chuckled, patting the top of his head. “I’d have got up and kicked him out to let you sleep, but I wasn’t sure if leaving you alone was a good idea.”

Gerard lifted his head and smiled at him, wriggling closer to give him a hug and a quick kiss, pleased and relieved when Frank didn’t object to either. He knew they needed to talk about what had happened and actually sort all the details out, but he was glad Frank was happy to accept his affection even when not playing the role of dom.

“You could have got up,” Gerard finally told him, still smiling. “But I’m glad you stayed.”

Frank grinned at him, giving him another quick kiss and then pushing himself out of the bunk. Gerard flopped forward into the warm spot he’d left behind and listened as he scrambled to find all of his clothes.

“Up you get lazy,” Frank chucked his clothes at him. Gerard was pleased to note that he’d found him a clean(er) pair of jeans and underwear. “You’ve got a brother to talk to. Preferably before he brakes the bus.”

Gerard let out a dramatic sigh, but he still pulled his clothes on and stumbled out of the bunk after Frank, following him out into the front of the bus. Bob let out a whistle when they came in, causing Gerard to go red and Ray to start laughing.

“Shut your face, Bryar,” Frank sat on him, ignoring his protesting as he tried to half-heartedly push him off. “We all know you’re just jealous.”

“Yeah,” Bob snorted. “’Coz your skinny ass is such a catch.”

Ray moved quickly to save his cereal as Frank tried to tackle Bob while still sat on his lap and they knocked the table. Eventually, Bob’s chair couldn’t keep the balance and tipped them both backwards onto the floor.

Ignoring the groans and swearing coming from the floor, Ray stepped over them and put his bowl near the sink area. Gerard snorted and went around them to get a cup of coffee before going to sit next to Mikey and rising his eyebrows at him in question.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Mikey stared at him until he gulped down his still scalding coffee and followed him out of the bus. Gerard clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth sadly, wincing at the small burns and trying to decide if the caffeine hit had been worth it.

“You going to tell me why you’re angry?” Gerard finally inquired once they were a good distance from the bus.

“You slept with Frank,” Mikey replied evenly, continuing before Gerard could say anything. “We agreed you’d stay away from him when alone so that you wouldn’t end up in sub-drop again and now you’ve slept with him!”

“I know,” Gerard slumped and put his hands in his pockets. “But I told him everything first, Mikes. I promise. I didn’t just sleep with him, I explained first.”

“So, what?” Mikey raised an eyebrow. “He’s going to help you now?”

“I think so, yeah,” Gerard shrugged. “We didn’t really get a chance to talk about it this morning. But I am planning to.”

“Okay,” Mikey relaxed a little and offered him a small smile. “Go talk to him then.”

Gerard smiled back and started wandering back towards the bus while Mikey went in the other direction towards someone he knew. It was amazing how different he felt; he always felt better after Mikey had helped him, but his mind was completely quiet this time and it didn’t feel like it was as temporary as usual.

He got about halfway back to the bus before he was tackled by Frank with an unintelligible yell. They hit the ground with a thump and wriggled around until Frank was sat on his chest. Gerard let out a wheeze and made an unimpressive try at pushing him off that Frank just laughed at.

“Fucker,” Gerard smacked his side. Truthfully, the position was causing him to get a little lightheaded from lack of oxygen, but it was actually a nice feeling, especially knowing that Frank would move if he just spoke up.

“You alright down there?” Gerard blinked up at him, noting that he looked a little bemused but not truly concerned by his silence.

Humming in satisfaction, Gerard smiled dopily at him. A small part of his brain piped up that going into subspace in the middle of the day in a carpark might not be the best idea, but he was already under enough to not be too concerned.

“Christ,” Frank chuckled, standing up and pulling him to his feet. “How did I miss this?”

Clearly not expecting a response, Frank herded him back to the bus, keeping contact with him and constantly talking even knowing that Gerard wouldn’t reply. They climbed onto the bus and Frank pulled him down onto a chair so that he was sat in his lap. Immediately, he relaxed back into him and shut his eyes, content to wait until the haze of sub-space had cleared before talking.

“Is he okay?” Ray questioned. It sounded like they were far away, and though he knew that they were talking about him, it didn’t bother him. “He looks really out of it.”

“He’s fine,” Frank reassured, shifting so that Gerard wasn’t trapping his arm.

***

When he woke up from his doze, Frank handed him a bottle of water without even looking up from his book. Squinting slightly, Gerard downed half of the bottle and noticed that it was a different book from this morning; it looked like one of Bob’s.

“So, I take it we can add breath play to the yes column,” Frank chucked the book like a frisbee so that it landed in the bunk area. “Relax, everyone went out,” he added when he tensed up.

“I guess so,” Gerard moved and sighed when he nearly fell off the chair. “I never tried it before.”

“Looks like this’ll be a lot of firsts for both of us then,” Frank smirked and stood up, dropping Gerard to the floor. “You were going to fall anyway,” he said in reply to Gerard’s swearing.

“Does that mean you’ve never dommed anyone before?” Gerard asked curiously, seating himself on the sofa and throwing his legs over Franks’ once he sat down next to him.

“Not really,” Frank shrugged. “Never like it is with you. I’ve messed around, but not with anyone who went into subspace.”

“Guess you’re a natural,” Gerard got the pillow from behind him and tucked it close to his chest, feeling a little self-conscious now that they were finally having their needed conversation.

“Nah,” Frank laughed. “I just know how to use Google.”

“Mikey wants to know if this means that I can come to you instead of him when I need to,” Gerard said, trying not to get his hopes up.

“Sure,” Frank wrapped his hand around Gerards’ ankle. “Anytime you need.”

“Just when I need?” Gerard asked carefully, a small blush colouring his ears.

“Or whenever you want,” Frank countered, grinning mischievously. “Are you trying to ask if we’re together now?”

“No,” Gerard denied, his whole face heating up. “I just wanted to let Mikey know he was off the hook.”

“Uh huh,” Frank laughed, undeterred by the kick Gerard aimed at his ribs. “You can tell Mikey that you’re mine to look after now.”

Gerard twitched at the possessive wording choice, something that Frank didn’t miss. His hands massaged at his ankle, working his way up to his knee and back down again in a steady rhythm. Gerard wiggled further down the sofa, but Franks’ hands never went above his knee.

“Still a tease,” Gerard sighed, sitting up and grabbing a comic book from the floor. It was clear that nothing more was going to happen this time; it was probably for the best since he’d only recently come out of sub-space.

“Still impatient,” Frank mocked, patting his legs until he moved them so that he could stand up. “There’s always hotel night.”


End file.
